Kindergarten Days

Ainsley has been in school almost 3 months now. And while we still struggle with lots of things, I think it is finally starting to settle for us. Shew, I was not prepared for how hard her starting school was going to be. for both of us. I mean, I knew that first day, the first week, would be rough, but I wasn't prepared to be months in and still be wrestling with it.  We all know the first day I was a complete disaster. Random moms hugged me, dads looked at me like I was crazy, and honestly I felt a little crazy. but I was heart broken that we were already here. That day 1 of the rest of her school life was starting. I felt like I was packing her bags and sending her off to college, which is so dramatic I know.  For weeks, every little thing Parker and I did together I would think about how it was missing our other partner and how much Ainsley would love to be there with us. It felt like I was in mourning and I guess in a way I sort of was. I was mourning the days of having no schedule. of waking up when they woke up and planning our adventures for the day. I was mourning for Parker who no longer had his buddy with him 24-7 (this proved to be futile because he actually loves the one on one time). My heart just ached.  I also couldn't handle NOT knowing what she was doing all day. She wouldn't tell me about her day, or who she played with, or what her teachers were like. and this was all new for me. She went to preschool but it was only 3 hours 2 days a week, and between her teachers and other moms we knew what they did most days. Now she is gone from me for 7 hours. SEVEN HOURS! and all I know is what she ate for lunch and that is only because I see the contents of her lunchbox when she gets home. 
Thoughts of private school, traditional school, homeschool (haha just kidding I never went there), swam in my head. I contemplated flying the drone over the school in hopes of catching a glimpse of her from a window. peering through the cafeteria window making sure she turns left to her class and not right to the big kids hallway (ok I for real did this). 

I happened to be driving home when she was at recess and I couldn't resist. thats her on the swing (of course)

Fast forward to now. She walks into school in the morning, her backpack so big on her little body, and confidently walks herself to class where she hangs up her things and starts her day. Her teacher knows me a little better and knows I'm not 100% crazy (just maybe 85%). I volunteer on the PTA and have been able to help at her school. I've met lots of moms from her class (two of them teach at her school, and one she will have in class next year). I got to meet her friends when I joined her on her class field trip to the pumpkin patch. Knowing a little more eases my heart. It also pushes me to give up the control I've had for the beginning of her life, and slowly learn to put her in the Lord's hands. 
I still anxiously wait for 2:35 each day and we all celebrate weekends now. Some days I appreciate that she is at school and not needing to be entertained at home. Some days I wish her brother was the one at school all day. But most days, I miss having her around. However tomorrow is Election Day which means no school and we are all excited for that!